The Average Pakistani: By Daniyaal Ahmed

The Average Pakistani: By Daniyaal Ahmed


I am a Pakistani: born out of struggle. raised out of a land of slavery and liberated into an independent state to safeguard my fundamental human rights. I am a citizen of the Islamic Republic of Pakistan. for which my forefathers gave uncountable sacrifices to ensure my protection of life. property and dignity. I am not you, or the people you know, or me. I am all of us.

I live in a beautiful country. guaranteeing a free and secure life. where I will shout at a person for wearing jeans to the mosque but will walk by idly as someone’s daughter is being harassed in the street. I will treat everyone with equality (except for everyone having a different race, color, sect. language. caste, area of origin. accent, education or hairstyle.) I will not judge anyone and focus on living my own life (except for on trivial things such as casually decreeing who goes to heaven and hell.)

I am proud of my country. which is why I would jump at any opportunity to go abroad to live my life. I am incorruptible: however due to my intense devotion to the man that built this country I might make an exception to my moral code if enough of blue and teal Quaids can persuade me. I am strong and fearless. the true man that lqbal dreamt of, protector of my family which is why domestic violence rates are estimated to be at a mere 90%.

I am tolerant towards other religions. I don’t think of other religions as inferior. which is why I refuse to share my food with them and consider it an offense to my person if they sit next to me. I am a staunch opponent to the notion of provincialism: except for the tact that everyone in the other provinces is backward and anomalous and I am better than everyone else. We are all united under the flag of Islam. the heartbeat of this Islamic Republic: which is why everyone belonging to the other sects is an infidel and must be slaughtered.

I believe that all men are created equal and no man is superior over his fellow man. The only exception to this principle being in faith. and more importantly: the number of zeroes appearing in your account balance. I proudly declare that my national language is Urdu but I refuse to take someone seriously until they can raise their point in English. Everyone enrolling their children in educational institutes with foreign examination systems is an enemy of the state and is taking their child away from religious education; yes I tried to get my own child into that institution too but that is beside the point.

I live in a land of unfathomable convenience, where nothing is unobtainable and things like justice. jobs and degrees are just a payment away. I value the honour of labour but refuse to engage in any trivial job that might damage my social reputation. I curse the people overtaking me on the mad but will ignore the red light whenever I don’t see a traffic warden nearby.

I am a peaceful person harbouring naught but goodwill but no one is safe from my blade in their hack. I tell my daughters to cover themselves up from head to toe instead of telling my sons to look at a woman with respect. I will be ready to spill blood if anyone were to look at my sister or mother or daughter or wife but I will admire the beauty of nature by ogling every passing woman in the street. I will pray five times a day. pray for a prosperous life. and push aside the hungry children begging for food on the way out of the mosque. I will cast suspicious glares at the man sporting a full beard, and question the belief of everyone with a shaven face.

I will revel in other peoples miseries and question as to why no one will leave me alone in mine. I sport an amazing anatomy with my vertebral column bifurcating at my neck to give me two fully functional faces. I will sit and watch movies all day long and listen to music but will not stand for anyone in my family to go near those professions. When some harm befalls others, I will ask them to question themselves as to what sin this is punishment for. When some harm befalls me. I will state that God only tests his favourite people.

I lie.

I cheat.

I break my promises.

I teach my children about the hypocrites and how the lowest levels of hell are reserved for them. It’s a good thing I am accustomed to the Pakistani summers.

I am the average Pakistani hypocrite. Are you?



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